Her
by foppery
Summary: When he looked at her, her almost smiles and weathered face, all he could see was everything that /wasn't/ Aerith and it was days like these when he wondered if he ever really loved her at all...


** A/N: So, um... hey. I take it that if you're reading this story, you're a Cloti fan, seeing as it **_**is**_** listed under Cloud & Tifa.. But, I just gotta warn you guys. There is... **_**a lot**_** of Aerith lovin' goin' on here. Which.. I like Aerith. I do. Not **_**nearly**_** as much as Tifa, but she's all right. However... I **_**hate**_** her with Cloud. Hate it. But, Cloud... from all the FF7 franchise, you can tell... Cloud **_**does**_** have feelings for Aerith. I mean, I usually believe it's feelings like for a mother, a sister... But, Cloud doesn't know that, does he? Basically... this is a look at Cloud's confusion with his feelings between Tifa and Aerith. And, yeah, Cloud acts like a bastard in this. Why? Because he can be one. He can be a total ass. **_**Especially**_** to Tifa. Advent Children showed us that. So... Now that my little ramble is over, enjoy? ^^ **

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He felt pain when he saw her. That forced smile, their new home... She should be happy here. Yet.. She wasn't. He knew. It was.. because of him. Because of the way his brow would furrow when Yuffie carelessly mentioned Aerith, giggling and nostalgic, helping Tifa wipe down the smooth wood of the new bar. The girls would smile and talk about how kind she had been and how much they missed the sound of her brash speak and forward voice; yet he.. he would look away. Like he hadn't heard it. Like he didn't know Aerith. Like he didn't remember and care for and _love_ her. Which.. he did. _He did_ and it killed Tifa and killed him and sometimes he wished he didn't love her but it was those days that he'd want to cry and hated himself and always went back to Tifa, a half-smile and words of love for the woman... Love. Love was the cause of this. His love for Aerith, Tifa's love for him, everything he felt for the brunette who cared for him... Everything he didn't feel.

Did he love Tifa? He hardly knew. He told her she meant a lot to him. Told her she was beautiful. Told her she was all he had left. In which instances, she would give her sad smile and wrap her arms around his back and kiss his chest and neck and forehead and everything was so perfect then but so absurd and fucked up that sometimes when they slept together he'd think of Aerith and he swore Tifa knew because afterwords she'd cry and cling to him, her fingers gripping him so tightly that his arm goes numb and he feels sick and wants to cry too and they'd both lay there, wondering if the other loved them and if they loved the other and it was truly.. messed up. Messed up the way they'd watch Marlene and Denzel playing together and hold hands and smile at each other like they really were the family Tifa tried so hard to protect...

He didn't deserve Tifa. Didn't deserve to cause her the pain he did. Far better men than him would have no right to break this woman's heart, so what in hell gave it to him? He didn't love her. Didn't think so.. Didn't know. It was with these thoughts of doubt, a last look at Tifa as she once again wiped down the counter of the bar, making it sparkle for their sick customers, a glance at Denzel as he laid in bed, what the people on the streets were calling 'geostigma' staining his forehead in black, a kiss on the cheek from Marlene accompanied by an '_If you see my daddy, tell him I said hi!'_ and he was out the door.

Fenrir took him far.. not far enough. To Zack's grave. He felt the ground, dry from the drought they'd had of late, crunch under his boots as he slipped off the seat of the motorcycle. He could see all of Midgar from here, the ruined city a massive grave. Yet.. the only grave that truly mattered to him right then was the one not five feet away. He stepped forwards, picking up the fallen piece of Buster Sword he had put there two years ago, after all the battles were over. It had been knocked over, and lay in the dust.

When Cloud's fingers gripped the hilt, he felt a heaviness in his chest, his heart.. Had Zack truly become this meaningless? His best friend? Had he become so forgotten that even his grave had become defiled over the years and lay in the dirt, not to be thought about until Cloud needed help? ….No. He wouldn't accept that. Zack.. wasn't forgotten. And neither was Aerith. He remembered Aerith telling him about her old boyfriend, the pain in her usually cheery eyes when they saw his parents, the smile on her face as she prayed for Holy.. on that day... How she seemed so at peace when he lowered her into the water. Were they together now? Zack and Aerith.. They deserved it. Deserved it more than anyone could possibly imagine. And.. for a moment, that hurt. Hurt that he had lost them, hurt that they were together... hurt that he wasn't with them. God, he wanted to be with them. _So much.._ So much it ached and he felt sick again and this time it wasn't because he didn't feel love, but felt _too much_ and for the first time since Zack's passing, under the rain and covered in blood and heat and _love_, he cried.

Cried out of love, out of not-love, out of all the pain he felt when he looked at Tifa and noticed wrinkles forming on her brow, the woman far too young for them; the way Marlene looked _so much_ like Aerith, how she was growing to be like her more and more everyday.. How he saw Denzel and Marlene together and how Denzel was so much like himself, always pushing her away and closing himself off, but she just smiled and didn't try to push and _God_ they seemed so perfect together and he wondered if that's how he and Aerith would have been if she had lived and he hadn't felt the blood from her stomach and her skin lose it's warmth... Shiva, he missed her. Missed her so much. That smile... And Zack's smile, too...

They were so beautiful. So beautiful that even though he had fallen to his knees and tears stained his face, he felt a little better. And.. for once, he thought about Tifa. Her eyes. Her little frown lines. The softness of her voice.. her manner of speaking. Her hands on his back, petting him, comforting him... Did he love her? He didn't know.. He wanted to. So badly. For himself and for her, so maybe her face would look youthful again. So maybe she wouldn't have to hide her discomfort when Marlene asked if they were getting married. Tifa.. had so much to deal with. So much. With Barrett becoming a mercenary, she was left to basically raise Marlene. And, then, Denzel.. his illness.. Sometimes the boy would pass out from exhaustion, and Marlene would cry and run to Tifa and the brunette tried so hard to be strong and take care of the kids, but.. He knew she needed help. Needed _him._ It was _their_ family. Not just Tifa's. And it was with that thought that he wondered why the hell he'd left in the first place.. Abandoning his family... _his _family. Maybe he was the coward that Barrett had always grouchily called him. In fact.. he was sure he was. A coward. The biggest of them.

The sky had gotten dark, and there were no street lamps that city-folk relied on so much here on this cliff... Cloud rose shakily to his feet, using the sword as something of a prop. He shoved the blade into the ground, forming a makeshift tombstone for his departed friend; the same one he always came to in times of need. The tears on his cheeks had not been wiped away, and he stood there, vulnerable, staring at the dusty grave.

"Zack... I'm sorry. I... don't know what to do."

He could almost hear his friend chuckling, feel the stronger man's hand playfully ruffling the blonde's hair...

"_Zack..._ I miss her..."

Tears again, trickling down his cheeks. Damn it, he was a man.. he shouldn't be blubbering like a damn woman.. but..

"_I don't know what to do! _Zack! Aerith!"

His light stream of tears had become all-out sobbing as his fingers, still grasping the handle of the sword much like they had years ago when it had first come into his possession, became raw with the pressure. His knuckles were white and he could feel the skin of his palm ripping on the rusty hilt.. God, he missed them. Missed her.. missed him.. _Needed _them..

_"I.. I don't know how to live without you..."_

A gentle hand, on his shoulder. Warmth. Strong and loving and full of acceptance. ...Zack.

_Hey buddy._

"Zack..."

_Shut up, now, Spike. I get what you're going through and stuff, I really do, but..._

Cloud almost chuckled. Zack had never been known for tip-toeing around people. He had to be the only person he knew who'd tell him to shut up in a situation like this...

_Spike, I.. I hate seeing you like this. You gotta be strong._

"Why?" Cloud choked. "There's nothing! Nothing here. I.. I need you. You and Aerith! I want to be with you! I-"

_Don't say that, Spike._

Zack's voice sounded stern, too serious. Too in pain. Too different from the smiling, laughing man that had accompanied him back in his days at ShinRa.

_You do realize, don't you? Me n' Aerith.. we're dead. We're in the lifestream. And, once our work is done here, we'll be reborn into the planet. We won't be the Zack 'n Aerith you knew, okay buddy? Wishing you were with us... is wishing that you're dead. _

"I know, but-!"

_Do you really wanna leave Tifa like this, Spike?_

Cloud was silent... Yes. Yes, he did. He truly did care about Tifa and loved her kisses and the way her fingers rubbed his back just the right way and her laughing as they watched the children playing, but _sometimes_ when her eyes got sad and she looked at him with that expectant look, waiting for him to tell her he loved her and he couldn't and didn't know why and all he saw when he looked at her was _not Aerith_ and he just _couldn't take it anymore_. Her chapped lips and tiny wrinkles and smiles that weren't smiles and-

_No, you don't. Spike, you... think about it. I know you. I know _exactly _what you feel for her. And, man, it's love... okay? _

For a moment Cloud almost entertained the thought that Zack was only telling him this because he wanted to keep Aerith's sweet smiles and loud laughter for himself, but realized that this was _Zack_ and Zack was his friend who loved him and... love.. Cloud had never really thought about it before, but.. there were different types of love, weren't there? Cloud.. loved Aerith. But... how? In what way..? Did he imagine himself entering her the way he does Tifa, laying in bed with her listening to the rain? He was sure if that did happen, her fingers wouldn't squeeze his arm and leave little bruises like Tifa's did when she cried... And for some reason, when he tried to imagine Aerith's face as he took her, he couldn't. Only her sweet smile and comforting touch and he saw Tifa's face in his head, as she writhed in passion and whispered 'I love you's and kissed his chest and hands like he _wasn't_ as sinned as they both knew he was. And then he realized.. Tifa.. was beautiful, too. As beautiful as Zack. As beautiful... as Aerith. And, with her arms around his neck, her small, calloused fingers twisting in his hair, she was... the most beautiful thing in the world...

_Now you get it, Spike?_

He felt Zack's smile and let his eyes fall to the ground.

_Go back to her._

Go back... he made it seem so easy. That Cloud could just get on Fenrir right then and there and drive home, walk through the door, and Tifa would run over to him and smile one of her not-smiles and kiss him and Marlene would scold him for staying gone too long and...

"I can't."

Zack gave a sigh; Cloud could hear frustration in the noise. Then.. he was gone. Everything that felt like Zack had vanished, the warmth in the surrounding area.. gone. A chill returned to the air and any light that shined onto him was now coming from the slim moon. It was night.. and Cloud needed shelter. A place to sleep. He thought of Seventh Heaven, the warm bed and even warmer pair of arms waiting for him there... No. He couldn't go back. Not now. Not yet. Not when he still saw Aerith and everything that wasn't Aerith in Tifa's little not-smiles and gestures. Tifa.. deserved better than that. And he wasn't willing to give better. Not then, atleast. Not now.

So, he left. Left the cliff where Zack was disappointed in him, left Seventh Heaven where Tifa would be waiting, probably sitting up that night in bedclothes and house shoes, her worried face cupped in her hands, the candle beside her short and going out, the last of the flame lighting her shaking form. He hated himself. Hated her. Hated... everything. Zack for leaving him to fend for himself. 'Living legacy' was a hard title to carry. Aerith for looking so happy and peaceful when she floated away. When he.. he could barely see then for all the tears he was holding back. He hadn't cried. Everyone else had... even Tifa. Especially Tifa. Even though she knew Cloud loved Aerith and not her and Aerith being there hurt so bad for her, he was sure... she cried. Because.. Aerith was her friend. And she loved Aerith, just as much as Cloud had.. and when he saw Tifa's tear-stained cheeks, her eyes almost as broken as the day when Nibleheim was burned... His tears... stopped. Like a valve suddenly turned off. He closed his eyes and breathed deep, and then.. led the party out of the Forgotten City. They found a shelter to rest.. An inn to sleep at. A pub at which Barrett and Cid and even Yuffie, despite being underage, all got stinking drunk and shit-faced and everyone coped and drank away their pain and cried and held each other... but, he... He went outside. Into the freezing cold of icicle village. He felt the biting chill prickling the skin on his arms, a welcoming feeling after the numbness that hadn't left his body since...

He didn't notice Tifa coming out the sturdy door of the small, warm inn. Didn't notice when she stepped up close to him, close enough to feel her body heat. _Barely_ noticed when she wrapped her arms around him, her face leaning heavily into his back. Didn't feel the tears that began to soak his shirt, or hear her shaky whispers of 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cloud. So sorry.' But... he did feel her kiss. A small, gentle, meant-to-be-comforting touch of flesh on the back of his neck, her lips wet from tears. That... was when he realized Tifa's feelings. Because in that kiss was so much... love. Simply no other way to say it, except 'love'. For Tifa had always been filled with it. Filled to the brim until she was close to bursting... love for her father, her mother, her friends that he'd always wished he was one of, and now... him.

The thought almost warmed him on that freezing night... almost. But... on _this_ night, on this cliff, in the chilly air on the back of Fenrir, Tifa wasn't there. Not there to wrap her arms around him and cry and kiss and comfort him when she herself was hurting just as much as he, yet for _some damn reason_ he just _couldn't _comfort her or the rest of the party or be the leader they needed him to or the soldier he had thought to be and _god_ everything was fucked up.

So.. he went to the only place he could think of. The church in sector five. Midgar was wrecked now, a jumbled mass of steel and wires, coated with mako-drenched moss and vines from when Meteor fell... the sky that Zack had said 'his girl', Aerith, was so afraid of seeing, was all that was above the church now. The stars looked down on the little broken roof, collapsed in from where he fell through it, he was sure. It was.. a comforting sight. He remembered the day he met Aerith, the way her voice sounded like his mom's and she grinned and flirted with him and everything bad that had been building up was just... washed away. She was so.. cleansing. Happy. Beautiful. Perfect.

Everything he ever wanted.

But... this place, the flowers that bloomed so beautifully in this dying world, and even the memories... it felt.. different. A bit colder. And, for a moment, he though that maybe he _didn't_ love Aerith because now that he was here, all he could think of was Tifa's eyes, heartbroken and once again looking at him with that expectant expression and _what the hell was he supposed to tell her?_ What did you do in that situation?

"God... _God damnit._ What... what do I do...?"

_Dilly-dally, shilly-shally. _

Oh god. It was... no. He had been visited by enough spirits tonight. He... he couldn't...

_Cloud. What's wrong?_

"I.. I dunno..."

The voice, Aerith's voice, was gentle and melodic and as wonderful as he'd remembered. But.. something was wrong and he didn't feel the same rush of his head that he used to or the almost unbearable quickening of his heartbeat... because.. he couldn't stop.. couldn't stop thinking of Tifa in her worn out pajama pants and robe wrapped around her wiry shoulders as she cried in the middle of the night, sitting at the bar after hours, praying for Cloud to come home...

And, then.. the phone rang. A happy, tinkling melody that played over the intercoms at Gold Saucer that Marlene had _insisted_ he use as his ring tone ever since Barrett and himself had taken the child there for her sixth birthday and she had met Cait Sith #6 for the first time and cried when they had to leave. But.. he didn't pick it up.. couldn't... He knew it was Tifa on the other end, knew she was worrying about him. ...The ringing continued...

_Hadn't you better get that? _

Aerith placed a hand on his, he felt the warmth. He couldn't see her... but, knew she was there.

"...No. It's just Tifa."

_JUST Tifa? Excuse me? You DO realize who looked out for you all this time, right? Cloud, you're being... insufferable! _

Insufferable? Heh. It was just like Aerith to say something like that. Always speaking her mind. Always letting them know exactly how she felt, even if it wasn't particularly polite. He remembered her cruel words to Barrett, the first time they were in Gold Saucer. Tifa had gasped and looked first worriedly at the large man, then angry at Aerith, yet she hadn't been able to express that anger. Only frown slightly and say in a soft tone, _"Wasn't that a little harsh...?"_ And Barrett had given Tifa a look of thanks, then left the group to face his demons.

And later, in that same place... when Tifa snuck into his room, and looked nervously at the ground as she asked him to go 'hang out'... how as they left the hotel, he noticed the door to Aerith and Tifa's room ajar, and Aerith not in bed. He hadn't known at the time that she had also planned a trip similar to the one he and Tifa took... a 'date'.

Tifa tried to tell him that night, about her feelings... he hadn't let her. Couldn't face them, not while Aerith was still there... But, now, Aerith wasn't there. Well, she was _here, _yet it probably wasn't really her at all, but Cloud's mind messing up again -he had never really been right again after the experiments in ShinRa manor- and he let the phone ring until it stopped and the answering machine picked up. He heard a tiny beep, signifying a voicemail...

_Listen to it, you dolt! You're always such a big dummy, Cloud. You do realize, don't you? She's... what you have here. Her and Marlene and Denzel... _They_ are your family. The least you could do is listen to her voice message..._

He knew this spirit-Aerith-thing was right and, with a trembling hand, pulled the phone from his pocket. A few beeps of buttons being pressed, and then...

"Cloud? It's me.. Tifa... _Where are you?_ We're worried.. Marlene asked about you last night... it's almost dawn, okay?

…..Come home soon."

He closed the phone, slipping it back into his pocket. His muscles.. felt tense. And that sick feeling in his stomach was back again.

_See? What are you doing here, when you have her waiting for you? _

"I... I don't know... I.."

He felt warm arms wrap around him. Different from Tifa's the night in Icicle Village, different from Tifa's when they wrapped around him as he penetrated her... Different... Since when did Aerith become 'not-Tifa'? Hadn't it always been the other way around? Always comparing the dark headed woman to his dead love, and now the tables had turned? He was... so fickle. The king of hypocrisy.

_Cloud... I have to warn you..._

"Warn me?"

_Cloud.. they're coming. They're... here. He's here. He's back..._

Cloud pulled back, confused slightly.

"They? He? Who, Aerith? Who?"

He could feel her smile sadly, actually a lot like Tifa's little not-smiles that he hated and maybe-loved sp much, and her hand touch his face.

_Be careful._

"Of.. what?"

_…..Sephiroth, Cloud. Him._

Sephiroth? Cloud was confused, his head hurt, and he could feel Aerith disappearing, just like Zack...

"Wait! Aerith! What does Sephiroth have to do with anything!"

_...everything. Please, be careful._

And then... Cloud was unconscious.

Aerith had been right to warn him, in her sweet voice and brash manner. Sephiroth _had_ come back.. In the form of clones. Clones, like he was supposed to be. He fought, and defeated Sephiroth again, all the anger he felt towards the man before, coming back into him for a final battle between the two. He spoke to Aerith after that... many times. She grabbed his hand and helped him and in the end even saved him. And, Zack... who had been frustrated and disappointed in Cloud on the cliff that night, had come and spoken to him. Words of comfort and, of course, the love that everyone around him seemed to be filled with. After the battle, he slept.. in a gentle slumber that felt like he was drifting in water, and felt Aerith's hand on his forehead and heard Zack's chuckling and... they left. Together. And he smiled, because he knew it was _right_ and he looked at Tifa who'd left him _so many_ voice mails after the first one in the church and had waited so patiently for him until she finally broke down and _begged _him to love her... He could hear it, and it broke his heart... Her words that night, before he went after Kadaj and his gang.

_"What is it... a memory or us?"_

He hadn't answered because he was still scared to tell her he loved her because he still _didn't know_ if he loved her, loved her not-smiles that she didn't even seem to have the conviction to fake anymore, loved the wrinkles on her brow that had increased tenfold since he'd left them...

But, now... now. Now he looked to the woman before him. She was smiling a _real_ smile instead of her not-smiles and she crossed her arms and regarded him like he was the biggest idiot on the planet, which he was, and yet he knew... He loved her. Right then, at that very moment, and for the rest of the moments forever... _he loved her._

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_**A/N: Happy ending? ='D **_


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